World News
by magistrate
Summary: A collection of newspaper clippings from the world of FFVIII. Coauthored.
1. Galbadians Invade Dollet (Nomad)

GALBADIANS INVADE DOLLET  
Nomad  
  
A large-scale Galbadian invasion of the costal city-state of Dollet was narrowly averted yesterday. Completely unprepared for the assault, the Dollet forces were at first thrown into a state of utter disarray, attributed to the fact that the Dollet foeces had no appointed commander.  
  
"It was crazy," says one soldier. "One minute, we're in the bar getting blasted, then these Galbadian punks come in and start emptying the tap! They took my Trauma card, too! You know how long it took me to get that?"  
  
Fortunately, with the help of a so-called "mystery band" of soldiers wearing blue-black uniforms, the city was saved from Galbadian hands. "They just came out of nowhere," said Galbadian soldier Wedge. "I don't really remember it all because I sort of hit my head, but I do remember getting my pay docked." When asked to clarify, his commanding officer entered and ended the interview.  
  
It seems, however, that the true objective of the Galbadians was in fact to reactivate the disabled communications tower to the west of town. When asked why the Galbadians placed so much interest in the tower, Galbadian commander Biggs only replied, "Why the heck should I tell you?" and stormed out, muttering something about "little SeeD twerps."  
  
The Galbadians will be allowed to continue their plans with the comm tower, an arrangement few are happy with. "We could have taken them all," claims a mysterious soldier named "Sei-fer Al-ma-sy. Remember that name, pal." He continues, "If we hadn't been ordered to pull out, we would've been heroes! I can't believe—oh, crap, that's my ship." Here he ended the interview and ran away.  
  
Now, all citizens must turn to recovering from the damage done by the invasion. "Now I don't mind if they want to mess around with radio dishes or whatever," says one citizen, "But what did they gain from having one of their robo-jerks step on my car? I hadn't even paid it off yet!"  
  
All Parliment members appear to have fled the city, and were not available for comment.


	2. Timber Train Heist (Nomad)

TIMBER TRAIN HEIST  
Nomad  
  
President Vinzer Deling recieved a less than hearty welcome when he arrived at Timber yesterday morning.  
  
"Hey, you're supposed to be kidnapped!" one particularly stupid man is reported to say. (He disappeared shortly afterwards and could not be found for interview.)  
  
Indeed, a decoy train carrying one of the President's "body doubles" was indeed stolen—or rather, just the car with the dummy President.  
  
"Well, I did hear these two loud bumps," recouints one Galbadian guard. "And this extra car seemed to appear in front of the President's and disappear again, but you hear all these stories about phantom trains around Timber—I thought it was one of them."  
  
This "phantom train" apparently switched the President's car with a decoy with a dummy president inside.  
  
"It's not like I didn't notice anything different," said another soldier. "I knew the minute I stepped into that car that it looked different. But the president told me to get out—like ANYBODY can tell the differrence between him and a dummy!  
  
The President's arrival came shortly after a public announcement by one of Timber's principal resistence groups that he had been captured, causing a great deal of confusion, not the least of which by the announcer.  
  
"What the—owowouch," he is quoted to have said.  
  
"It's not my fault, sir!" claimed another Resistence member who declined to be identified. "They told me the President was coming, sir! Everyone said so, sir! Um...you wouldn't happen to know the real reason why he's here, would you, sir?"  
  
This incident did, however, result in the death of the President's body double.  
  
"Never really liked him anyway," the President said. "He had awful speech skills, and the way he turned into a monster every night after dinner was a little disturbing."  
  
The failure of this attempt to capture the President has taken its toll on the Timber Resistence factions. "He called us 'amateurs,'" moaned a resistence member. "Why couldn't he understand we're serious? We know this isn't a game...."


	3. Timber TV Announcement Goes Awry (magist...

TIMBER TV ANNOUNCEMENT GOES AWRY  
magistrate  
  
The first TV announcement after 17 years of mysterious radio interference was certasinly a memorable event. In the middle of an adress by Galbadian president for life Vinzer Deling in which he announced his intent to begin negotiations for world peace was attacked by a young man reveiled to be Seifer Almasy, a rouge Garden student.  
  
"It was a disaster, a complete and total disaster!" says a distraught TV announcer. "The first live broadcast in seventeen years, and some punk kid holds up the president! How's that going to look on my resume?"  
  
Seifer Almasy was tried for assaulting the president and reportedly executed.  
  
"Yes, he is absolutely, definitely dead," said President Deling. "We certainly wouldn't want someone like that to, say... spearhead our newest offensive to take over the world, if we had one, which of course we don't. No, certainly not."  
  
The reaction to President Deling's announcement to appoint the Sorceress to conduct the peace negotiations is dubious at best.   
  
"I was afraid it would come to this," says Balamb Garden Headmaster Cid Kramer. "I never asked, but I always thought she did, too."  
  
When asked to clarify, Kramer muttered something about the irony of fate and ended the interveiw.


	4. Sorceress Reception Less Than Enthusiast...

SORCERESS RECEPTION LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC  
magistrate  
  
Sorceress Edea, in an astonishing political move last week, became Ambassador of Galbadia. At her appointment ceremonial parade in Deling City, however, the masses were not impressed.  
  
"Yeah, she gets up there an' starts dissin' us," says one resident who declined to be identified. "Really ticked me off. Then she goes and skewers the President--but who cares about him?"  
  
Angry protests gave way to rioting as an unknown team of people trapped Edea underneath the archway and attempted to assassinate her. When Edea stopped the bullet that would have killed her, one of the assassins attempted a head-on assault.  
  
"I was just trying to get away from a G-soldier, and then this guy with this really big honkin' sword comes down out of nowhere and chops the guy in half!" says the same resident. "I turn to thank him, and he jumps in my car and drives away! What was up with that?"  
  
Though the assassins were all captured, Edea says she will not be staying in Deling City.   
  
"Fools. Pathetic worms. Do you think this city has anything which could possibly interest me?" Edea says. When asked if she fears another assassination, she responded "you bore me," and impaled the interveiver on her fingers.  
  
As of yet the assassin's identities have not been released.


	5. Galbadia Garden Used As Base (magistrate...

GALBADIA GARDEN USED AS BASE  
magistrate  
  
In an unprecidented political move, Galbadian leader Edea announced her plans to use nearby Galbadia Garden as her base of operations.  
  
"This Garden is mine," she is reported to have said. "All who oppose me must die."  
  
"Man, that's bad!" says SeeD Zell Dincht. "I didn't know she would do that."  
  
"You would think that students and instructors would resist... wait, how'd you get in here?" says another SeeD, Quistis Trepe. "I'm going to alert the Faculty if you don't leave."  
  
"Get away from me!" askes the commander of the Galbadian forces, Seifer Almasy. "{CENSORED}, I don't have time for this {CENSORED}!" Aside from that, he refused to comment.  
  
"Ironic, isn't it?" murmurs Balamb Garden Headmaster Cid Kramer. "A Sorceress inside a SeeD Garden, led by a dropout of SeeD itself." When asked why this was ironic, Kramer muttered someting about the uncertanty of the present and ended the interview.


	6. Balamb Citizens Wary (magistrate)

BALAMB CITIZENS WARY  
magistrate  
  
"My goodness," says Mrs. Dincht, a citizen of Balamb. "This used to be a quiet little town, but then Balamb Garden comes flying overhead. I hope my son's all right."  
  
Many Balamb citizens are looking to the skies, as, just a day ago, the military academy Balamb Garden made a low-flying pass over the city and headed out to sea.  
  
"They buzzed my house!" says one irate resident. "I mean, I know Headmaster Cid and I haven't really gotten along, and I do owe him several hundred gil from gambling debts, but this was just uncalled for!"  
  
"I'm going to fail this semester," a Garden student moans. "I went into town to see my brother off at the train station, and then when I get back to Garden all that's there is this huge whomppin' crater! I have an exam tomorrow!"  
  
When asked if this is a regular occurence, another resident shakes his head. "First time for this sort of thing as far as I know. But with things going like they are now, I wouldn't be surprised if Galbadia garden shows up sometime soon!"  
  
No contact could be made with Balamb Garden for information.


	7. Campus Feuding Turns Violent (magistrate...

CAMPUS FEUDING TURNS VIOLENT  
magistrate  
  
The Balamb and Galbadia Gardens have always maintained a freindly rivalry, but the competition turned violent yesterday when Galbadia Garden, under control of the G-Army, tried to occupy Balamb Garden. The battle, which took place near Centra's Cape of Good Hope, lasted approx. three hours and ended in a dubious Balamb victory.  
  
"Man, they busted our Garden up," says Balamb student Zell Dincht. "I don't know when we'll get the Quad reparied. Some people actually fell off the edge, too."  
  
"Don't ask me, I was just driving," says Nida, another student. "They did ram us an awful lot, though."  
  
"I must carry out Ultimecia's decree," says Galbadian commander Seifer Almasy, pushing his way past the interveiwer.  
  
"We were incredibly lucky," former Garden instructor Quistis Trepe says as she surveyed Balamb Garden. "But we had a very good leader. Squall was great out there."  
  
Balamb commander Squall Leonhart could not be reached for comment.


End file.
